I wrote this about a week ago, but I never got to post it. It still holds true though, so enjoy!
I’m in the middle of the second row in center front section of the Prayer Room at the International House Of Prayer. I just came from an extended class with the director of the NightWatch, Stuart Greaves, who never fails to blow my mind with new insights in life, God, and the Bible. My Bible is on my lap, opened to the next book I’m going to read on my journey through the Old Testament; however, my mind is elsewhere. I feel antsy, anxious, distracted, but I don’t really know why (even as I write this, I’m not sure). I try dialoguing with God about it, but I’m far too distracted to listen at all. I’ve already tried pacing, engaging with prayers being prayed on the microphone, and even blaming the migraine I’ve had for the past 24 hours. Nothing is working.
As a last resort, I decide to read the Song of Solomon anyway; it certainly could help. Right before my gaze drops to it, I feel a small voice say, “Tonight you should read Philippians.” After debating whether I heard right or not, I decide to go ahead and turn to Paul’s letter to the Philippians. After glancing at the first chapter, it occurrs to me that maybe I should ask where exactly I should read. I hear “Philippians 4:6.” Okay then. In the English Standard Version of the Holy Bible, it reads like this:
“…do not be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
Thank You, God, for that reality check. You see, I’m going back home soon, and for various reasons, I’m not excited at all for it, and I’ve been worrying about it. I know there are better ways to handle stress, but I’ve been comfortable just worrying about it. I suppose it keeps my mind off of my own brokeness that I still have after being immersed in a culture of prayer and worship for six months (actually I’m probably just more in touch with the reality that I’m broken). Do I have a reason to worry? My logic tells me yes, but my spirit tells me I’m forgetting God’s promises, His word, and even who He is.
I have an imposing situation at home if I want to continue to grow in love while I’m there. God is omniscient, so He knows what I’m facing; He also knows that my heart’s desire is to grow in love. Would He, the Author of love, allow too much to come at me at once? I know the right answer is a firm “no”, and I know that’s true. I know the Bible (which I believe to be the very word of God) says the same. Nevertheless, the answer that I hear my heart say is, “I hope not”. A mere three months ago, I was given $1400 that I needed anonymously , yet I don’t fully trust that God will take care of me. I know He is sympathetic to all our struggles, but I still feel shame at not being able to trust Him. “You are My son” He tells me, bringing me back to the root of it all. I still don’t fully believe that He loves me as His son. I forget that He’s not like my earthly father at all. I find that I must continually remind myself of that, lest I forget. That’s another topic for another day. I’m going to go talk to my Abba Father or something…