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I’m Running Away

I’ve been struggling with my time in the Prayer Room lately; it’s been so difficult to focus and I cannot seem to open my heart like I used to. I know why (At least I think so). I think I’m simply a little frightened at the thought. Since my last post, Open the Heart and Look Around, I’ve been thinking about that night and just what happened in me.

For those who haven’t read Open the Heart, I mentioned a night when I tried to encounter God in my room, like I’d heard in at summer camp. I did what I knew to do, but nothing happened. I gave up and went to bed. That’s the basic version (the version in Open the Heart isn’t much longer, so you haven’t missed much).

I’ve noticed in the days since writing Open the Heart that I’ve been feeling closed and scared. I feel like a little kid with something in my clenched fist that my dad is trying to get from me. In my case, the thing in my fist is my heart, and my dad is God. I know God will not force me to open my little fist, but I also know that opening my fist is going to be very difficult even for me. But then, there is something I know will help.

In Christendom, there is something called revelation. Revelations are like ideas that drop into the mind that you’ve never thought of and it teaches you something (at least that’s what it looks like for me, if you experience something different and think I’m wrong, comment on here). What I need is a revelation of who God is. I need to see that I can trust Him. If I don’t trust Him, how do I expect to convince myself to open my little fist? Am I going to force it? Yeah right.


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