When I was a child, I always wanted to be grown up; I wanted be done with being unable to do what I saw everyone else doing. I’m of above average intelligence, which manifests itself in my ability to learn concepts and information quickly and retain what I learned; that, in addition to a near photographic memory, made academics a breeze for me. But I’ve ran into something that my intellect cannot handle.
When I consider this thing, I see myself on top an extremely tall, naturally made, stone pillar in the midst of an expansive forest. Everything is far below me, and I’m looking over the edge, experiencing that nauseating spinning sensation that everyone feels at this height. I feel God telling me to jump. I know He would never tell me to commit suicide in the natural, that’s unbiblical. However, I know that there is the verse that tells us to present ourselves as a living sacrifice, and there’s the other one that tells us to kill our old self every day. God calls us to trust in Him many times in the Scriptures as well, to the point that we worry about nothing. But in my case, I feel a lot of fear, but I know it’s God asking me to completely abandon myself to Him and His leadership. He wants me to fling myself off that cliff and trust Him to catch me. I know that I won’t get any true satisfaction in my life otherwise, but I don’t know how well I believe that. I feel like there’s something I need to learn; I feel like there’s something I need to experience to snap my life into the right place where I’ve learned the right method of living and I do it without a second thought.
It’s like looking at a polynomial before you even learn how to work with variables. You look at it, and it seems so crazy that people know how to work with it, even after you’ve finished Algebra I. Then comes the day when you’re sitting in Pre-Calculus, and the teacher lets you know that the lesson today will be on polynomials. By that time, you’re ready to tackle them. The teacher then gives the lesson and shows some examples. Suddenly you are almost completely comfortable with them. While doing your homework, you see the concepts the teacher mentioned working, and you continue to use the method taught to you without questioning it, why would you? It works, and the teacher that taught you has been doing them for longer than you have. That’s part of the reason I appreciate mathematics; the methods always work. Once you’ve learned them, you’ve learned them. Granted, I don’t remember exactly what polynomials are or how to work with them, but I would only need a short refresher. But jumping off a cliff is a far different story. Or is it?
In this journey of learning to trust God, I have a teacher, God, who sends me many tutors to help me along (He’s even living inside of me so I can ask Him for help at anytime). I have a problem in front of me that requires I shift the way I think. Didn’t it annoy you when your teacher would say that mathematics applies to everything?
God’s called me to pour my life out to Him in the night, in the place of prayer, thus, I am on the NightWatch at the International House of Prayer (meaning I’m in a room specifically for prayer from the hours of midnight to six a.m.). Does this mean I’m doing it? Heck no! Do you know what it looks like to pour yourself out before the Uncreated Light? Do you know how to pour your life out?
To me, pouring my life out looks like me bleeding out in front of a throne. That’s gross, I know, but that’s the picture I get. Not too enjoyable. However, I also know that this thing is supposed to be a love based thing. How do you bleed out in front of someone out of love? You tear open your imbedded defenses that you’ve grown fond of and expose your heart, allowing what bleeds to bleed. In doing that, you put yourself at the mercy of the person you’ve opened up to; they can either let you bleed out and die, or restore you. I know that all humans will let you (and sometimes help you) bleed to death, but not many people allow themselves to bleed out completely, they generally close themselves up and allow scabs and scars to cover and protect the wound. Everyone has done it; it’s a part of life. So it’s no small struggle to believe God won’t treat you the same way everyone else has. The thing is, He won’t. He is the perfect Father. He loves perfectly. Any offense we have toward Him is our fault, never His.
It’s a long (many times too long for me) process, and it’s painful, but I want to learn how to live a life poured out before God. I want to learn the abandoned lifestyle. I want to know how to live.
I say that with pain in my heart because I know that I cannot do it on my own, and I know I want to badly. I want to grow up in an hour. I want to perfect. But as Flyleaf sings in the song that I’m listening to right now, I’m only perfect in weakness, perfect in His strength alone.
God help me.