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Am I Really Supposed to be Here?


Sometimes, specifically when I’m doing something towards gathering a team of financial partners, I get a bit scared. I wonder if I’m really supposed to be here in Kansas City. I wonder if I’m really supposed to be  involved in the prayer movement. I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. But when I write it down, it all makes a little sense. Why shouldn’t I be here? Why would God have a problem with me being involved in the prayer movement? It’s not like He told me to go somewhere else, and I know He’s led me here.

Eight months ago, even two months ago, if you would’ve told me that I would be living in Kansas City directly after the internship, I would’ve thought you were nuts. But here I am. How? My parents gave me money for rent, and have continued to do that for two months. Did I ever think that was possible? No. Not in a million years. But it happened. That, along with a random $100 donation from a friend has kept me afloat here long enough to get direction in how to raise monthly support. And if I get enough of that, I’ll be able to officially join staff and will probably feel older as I’ve never been in a job that I thought would be permanent. Which is a large thought in itself.

Sometimes I wonder how long I’m going to be here. I know I should be here for at least two years, if not longer. However, past that, I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what will be available of course, but I’ve usually had close to my entire life planned out; right now, that’s not the case at all. And I don’t like it.

Sometime soon I’ll get a little more clarity, I believe that. It’s just the waiting that bites.

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