Sometimes I really just want to backslide. Sometimes I really want to walk away from the prayer movement and God in general and do my own thing. I just want to relax into normal religious Christianity. I want to do whatever I want while still claiming to love God and being able to dispense wise, Christian-ish counsel. However, I’ve found that to be unsustainable; maybe lasting a day or two, but I cannot live with it and my conscience in any sort of proximity to each other. I become irritable, moody, and sullen (compounded by low quality sleep). It’s like I’m addicted without really realizing it (until now). If you think about it, it’s like being a cutter, but in that you are killing your inner man (aka spirit); in Christianity, you’re killing your old man.
If Christianity were a swimming pool (yes, I’m using this metaphor), I think I’ve ventured deep enough that the shallow end is totally uninspiring. However, the deep end is still far away. One of the main goals of Christianity is to be fully lost in the experiential knowledge of God. Keeping the pool metaphor, I imagine that that would be like bobbing around in the deep end without floaties and relying on nothing but the goodness of God to keep you afloat. Being that I cannot swim in actuality (and have come close to drowning on one or two occasions), that sounds like a terrible idea. That last sentence opens my eyes to just how little I trust God’s goodness, and, subsequently, God Himself.
I wrote the above in the Prayer Room thinking that I had written everything I was going to. Not true (obviously). I know something that will always give me hope. As Jon Thurlow, a worship leader here, sings:
“I know the end of the story
I come up from the wilderness
Leaning on my Beloved”
I’m going to that deep end. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be this week, but it’s going to happen. And I will come out, totally reliant on God. That’s cool.