Today I woke up quite late, most likely caused by staying up super late. Why did I stay up super late? Because I just didn’t care. I knew I didn’t have anything to do today, so why would I care what time I got up? As I think about it, I realize that there is a reason why I should get up: discipline. That brings to mind a possible reason for my apathy.
Last night I had a friend over for some pizza and hang time, and after we were done eating we sat in the living room and chatted. Thus began a lengthy conversation about a leader of the NightWatch (of which I am a part) that my friend rents a room from. My friend told of how extremely disciplined this man is, how he is up at the exact same time every morning, how his schedule has no flexibility. I couldn’t help but admire him for that, but at the same time I felt a bit hopeless. Am I capable of such self-discipline? I think not. Does it matter that I am a young man just starting out in life and he has white hair and was saved in the Jesus Movement in the 1960’s? Yeah, probably, but that didn’t enter my mind then. I could only see me, trying to do that, and failing miserably.
“Just do it!” they say, but do they know what they’re talking about? Sometimes I just want to tell people who say that to shut up (sometimes that’s myself). Yes, I have been known to demonstrate self-discipline on many occasions, but to consistently practice self-discipline for decades is a daunting thought. What if I fail? What if I get so frustrated by restrictions that I do something crazy? But we need restrictions. When I think of discipline, I think of restrictions; I think of nothing enjoyable. Is it from my childhood? Most likely. Is that an accurate picture of a disciplined life? Apprently not; why would God tell us to have a disciplined life if it’s never enjoyable, if the only fun comes at the times where restrictions and boundaries are lifted (i.e. vacation, parties, etc.)? Sounds like I have a wrong paradigm about discipline. Still. Another day, another discovery of something I need to learn. Hey look, I was going to be in the Prayer Room about an hour ago!