In the last few weeks I have been working in the media department of the International House of Prayer as a webstream camera operator. You may think that that is a simple job, which it would be if I were controlling only one camera and didn’t need to pay attention to composition. I control five robotic cameras, sending them from preset to preset that I set, and need to keep them moving and with the right composition. That makes for two hours of stress easily. The other night I had a particularly taxing set, with missing band members making large unusable dead spaces (and thus nixing many of the shots I usually make), and my director challenging me to keep all cameras moving without her giving me direction. Many beginning camera ops such as I would break down in tears feeling helpless and inadequate. Me? I almost swore at her. After the set, I set in the Prayer Room, searching my soul for the reason I was so angry. I was reminded that I had felt this feeling before, the feeling of being expected to do something I had not been properly taught to. When I was around twelve or thirteen, there was a time when I was home alone on most days, and I was expected to fend for myself. I ate very unhealthily for several weeks because I didn’t know what I was doing. I was lost. But then one day my mother finally showed me some things one can do with leftovers, and began telling me what foods complement each other. Now I am confident in the kitchen, cooking for just me or groups, but before all that happened I was very frustrated that my parents would be so thoughtless and oblivious. Yup.
I know at the root, its more about feeling rejected and neglected (they go hand in hand). God used that set, and the pressure that came therewith, to show me what was in my heart. He wants me to trust Him with my life and all that’s within it, but I now realize that I have felt anger toward Him for the same reasons I was frustrated at my parents. God is not like us. God cannot fail, we do. God is not oblivious to our needs. It is impossible for God to learn (I took that line from A.W. Tozer). He can also handle not being trusted, but He won’t let it last. God help me.