This morning in the Prayer Room, I was having a lot of trouble concentrating. My mind was like bat cave at dusk, with a bazillion thought streams jetting out in all directions but soon disappearing into the darkness outside of my ability to think. I recently started dating this amazing girl, and while we both have pretty laid back personalities, I’m not always laid back. A large part of m thoughts were about her, and how I wish I could take her on amazing dates and give her heart the pursuit I believe she’s worth. Another large part of my thoughts was thinking about how my life seems static and how I don’t feel I can get it moving forward at all.
Those two over-arching streams combined with other stresses led me to write in my journal that I felt confused. But my mind went deeper than that. No, I’m not confused. I feel helpless. No, I don’t feel helpless. I feel stupid. Yes, I feel stupid. Looking at what I do everyday, all I see is stupid. Even prayer seems stupid, like there’s something else I could do that’s better. I feel like there is a key that I’m missing. I feel like there’s something obvious that everyone else can see, but I can’t. I feel like I’m being like my Dad. So often, he seemed just to not get stuff. Stuff that was obvious to the rest of the family. As often I told myself not to be like him, but here I am, feeling like I’m stupid. Did I just call my Dad stupid? Yes. He is. That’s not something I can help. Can I help my own stupidity? I hope so. It sure doesn’t seem so though.
At the same time, I know that I’m doing something right. I know I’m supposed to be here in KC for the time being. I know the Prayer Room isn’t stupid. It may feel that way at times, but what mankind sees at stupid, God knows is wise. I know that. But that doesn’t mean everything that seems like stupidity is wise. It can be straight up stupidity. I just hope I’m not a poster child for it.