What drives me to make the choices I do? Where do I stand on the issues? In the past few months, my life has been turned on its head mostly because of choices I’ve made. I want to learn from those choices, but I think it’s more than looking at the results and trying to avoid the bad ones. That’s a legitimate way to learn, but what about looking at what caused me to make those choices to start with? What if instead simply attempting to resist doing I know to be stupid, I also try figure out why it’s something I want to do even though I know it’s stupid? What gear or cog in my belief system is off kilter and triggering this?
It’s interesting to go from a place where the things you believe are being told to you every day…to nothing. I was on staff at a prayer ministry and was required to go to our Prayer Room for at least 2 hours a day, 6 days a week, and church on Sunday morning. Many of you reading this know that I left staff in at the beginning of June. I’m not going to go into what led to my departure, but it wasn’t out of anger or offense. I’ve been back to the Prayer Room once, I’ve been to a church service…well, actually I haven’t been to a church service since sometime in April or May. Now, I could lay the blame on many things, and the main place I’ve been laying is on something out of my control: my car. I couldn’t fix it because I didn’t have money to, and when I finally did get the money to, I wasn’t persistent or whatever enough to get in a shop (or friend’s driveway) sooner than the beginning of this month (not that it matters because it permanently died days later, and I’m in the process of getting rid of it). Now that to me has always sounded like a legitimate excuse. With no car, I can’t get to places like a different church, right? This is where one of those falsehoods I believe surfaces.
I’ve known this is a lie I believe. I just haven’t been able to prove it wrong yet. I would think about my predicament, and it would sneak its way into my subconcious, “No one cares. No one wants to help you. You’re stuck. You should just leave everyone alone, because you bother them.” And that’s pretty freaking depressing. The problem is, when I get depressed, I pull away and isolate myself; it’s a great habit, I know. Thinking about calling out for help is still terrifying, really. It always has been for me. I’ve been the one who figures stuff out on his own and figures out how to do them on his own. Even just typing this up feels weak. Even though I know it’s totally wrong, I feel like it shows weakness when I ask for help.
Now, the thought crossed my mind that it’s really just pride that’s making me like this. I don’t want to admit my weakness, because of pride, so I haven’t and have dragged myself down into depression and isolation. But I don’t know if dealing with my pride is going to deal with it. Maybe if I knock over my pride, it will in turn knock over my feeling of utter weakness, and that will knock over my chronic loneliness like dominoes. But I don’t know. Maybe they’re all weighing me down, and if I can deal with one, the others won’t be as difficult. Or maybe they will all be as difficult regardless.
So what do I believe? I believe that the God of the Bible is real for some reason. I believe that Jesus was real, and that the Gospels tell a true story for some reason. I believe that the Holy Spirit dwells within me and keeps me from completely going off the edge. I think that’s a better than the worst possible start.